17 years and 1 phone call

Your expectations are extremely high for a person who forgot to care until he learned his daughter was considered an adult. No more checks right? Did you honestly believe that my voice would welcome yours with a warm tone and an answer to your apology? An apology followed by a demand of daily phone calls and family visits? You want to make amends. You want a redo on the past 17 years of my life, like I can hit rewind on all the moments when your absence was most prevalent and hurt the most. Genetics don’t dictate an emotional connection. I’m not automatically bound to you because half of me is you. That half spent 17 years consoling the other that wherever you were was better than being here, where society considered ‘necessary’.

You made me fit the stereotype, and I will always resent that.

Although your absence is felt, this half is content with feeling incomplete.  

There are so many..vague thoughts floating around tonight. They all want to spill at the same time but my fingers can’t type fast enough. Everything I try to write is so mangled. Maybe I need to put my insomnia to rest for today.

Lord grant me the strength to let go. To truly feel comfortable in my skin and allow your course to run in front of me like a dimly lit sidewalk. Though I may squint, I anticipate the unknown. For it is then when your will is in place. 

Today felt like 5 months compacted into a series of text messages. So many emotions slipped through my shell.I can barely remember all that was exchanged. 

Question of the day: Am I still single?

Am I two paces ahead of this process? Because if I am I will gladly leap behind it. Well, maybe not behind it…

But in the words of Dom Kennedy-why the hell not?